Her First Choice
by AbsoluteAddiction-x
Summary: "Even though he knew that it wasn't him that she longed for, he would always let her in." Some night-time drabble in which Ruka mulls over the fact that he just isn't Mikan's.


_Huh. It really is amazing what you find buried in the darkest recesses of your laptop files xD I don't even remember writing this… Oh well xD_

_I haven't editted this in anyway since discovering it, and seeing as I seem to have written it… over a year ago now, it will probably be riddled with mistakes. Or who knows. Maybe my so-called "talent" is actually deteriorating rather than improving. Which is highly likely._

_DISCLAIMER: Me no owney Gakuen Alice yadda yadda yadda… _

.oO0~0Oo.

Staring at the ceiling above his bed, Ruka asked himself for what felt like the thousandth time why he couldn't just say 'no'.

When the door to his room had creaked open hesitantly earlier that night, he had already known what to expect, braced himself for what he knew was to come; Mikan. It had become a routine of hers whenever Natsume was away; go to Ruka's room and sleep with him instead. The first time it had happened, he had been surprised yet slightly hopeful – he had wondered if it was a sign that she could be starting to feel something for him that was more than the friendship they maintained. She had visited him for the next two nights, each time he welcomed her and went to sleep happily; however, she hadn't returned the third night, and his dreams as well as his bed had remained empty.

It hadn't taken him long to spot that she only came to him when his best friend was away on another mission.

Ruka didn't bother to lock his door anymore when he knew that Natsume would be gone, and Mikan no longer bothered to knock – simply opened the door and ventured in. He replayed her entrance from earlier in his head.

"_Ruka-pyon?" a familiarly drowsy voice whispered from the doorway of his darkened room where a pyjama-clad Mikan stood, looking as small and vulnerable as she ever had._

_Ruka didn't say anything in reply – he already knew what she wanted – and instead simply pulled back the covers of his bed and watched as she clambered in next to him – she had already known what his answer would be._

"_Hotaru kicked me out of her room again." It was still too dark to see any of the expressions on her no-doubt animated face, but Ruka could imagine them well enough; right now she would be pouting slightly, her brow furrowed, whilst still managing to look upset. And then it would change into the dazzling smile that usual adorned her face. "Thank you, Ruka-pyon."_

_And with that, she had snuggled down next to him, and had been asleep in minutes._

Yet here he lay, hours later, still wide awake, watching the sky steadily begin to lighten. He rolled over onto his side facing the sleeping girl, and allowed his eyes to glide over her face; her skin looked paler at night than it did during the day, her rose lips were parted ever-so-slightly and her huge chocolate eyes were closed – she was nothing unusual, yet Ruka knew despite this, she was special _to him_. He couldn't place how, he didn't know why, all he knew was that he loved her for it.

Mikan began to shuffle restlessly in her sleep, and Ruka couldn't help but hear the name that passed her lips.

"_Natsume_..."

A pang went through him, as it did every time – even when she was there with him, asleep in his bed, hardly more than ten centimetres from him, she still dreamt only of _him. _Ruka knew it was wrong to feel the jealousy and the hate that he did, but he just couldn't help it. How could he let the only girl he had ever loved be taken by his best friend and not feel those things? And the worst thing was knowing that he _would_ lose her –if not to Natsume, then to someone else. After all, he was just Mikan's _friend._

Ruka hated how weak he was – even though he felt like this now, he knew, in his heart, that the next time she came to his door, he still wouldn't be able to say 'no'. He was his own torturer, forcing himself to endure what he knew could only end in heartbreak.

Even though he knew that it wasn't himself that she longed for, he would always let her in. He would do it so he could imagine what it would be like to spend every night with her in his bed, pretend, even if just for a while, that she was truly his. To watch her sleeping face and to hope that one day it might be his name that she whispered in her sleep, that one day she would come to him even when other options were available for her. To carry on dreaming that he could be her first choice.

.oO0~0Oo.

_So yeah – just a little shorty, it would appear. _

_I don't know what it is about Ruka, but I just didn't seem to be able to write him in any way other than a huge ball of hurting-angsting-hating love. I guess I just took shadenfreude on some level or something. –shrugs-_

_Oh well~_

_~Absolute x_


End file.
